Holiday Thoughts
Christmastime has always been a favorite of mine. I consider myself to be a holder of Christian beliefs, but I don’t observe the holiday as a religious holiday (in all honesty, I don’t see how one could seeing as it is an amalgam of purely Catholic beliefs and pagan rituals…but that is a discussion for another time). I’ve been more a fan of the general spirit of togetherness, family and of course- blinking lights.
In recent years I’ve noticed a decline in my excitement for the holiday season. Currently, it is two days before Xmas and I just am not feeling it. No excitement. No anticipation. It feels like just another week out of the year. In the realization of this indifference to the season I have been wondering what has lead me to this point? How could something I once loved and was excited for become something that is about to pass me by with little notice?
Iv’e thought long and hard. Some of the answer is obvious. It’s been a rough year, for one. My grandfather, with whom I spent my first adult Christmas last winter (I had not seen him for 18 years) passed away in July of a sudden heart attack. I have a whole other post devoted to that incident so I will not waste time by going into details here. Suffice to say that it was hard to come to terms with and it is something with which I still struggle.
In addition to that my mom’s second marriage has collapsed. My stepdad has been nothing if not vengeful and childish over the entire matter which started over his inability to leave things in the past and move on. He deserves a post all to himself, but I wouldn’t waste my time on it. Caught in the fray is my younger brother (half brother in reality, but I never even considered that nor did it cross my mind until the divorce proceedings began). Mom and I have done all we can to keep life for him as normal as can be. His father is witholding money from my mom who only works part time as a pharmacy tech. , so money is tight for her. To help out, she and I go half and half on gifts for my brother. When you are that young presents matter and I understand that. I want him to have everything I had growing up and more. Much more.
Also, I was supposed to be married this year. The marriage was set to take place in October. It was called off in July and the relationship between me and my once-fiancee went back and forth for a while. Now we realize that we love one another, but I am struggling with the desire to settle down and the desire to be on my own. As a result I have decided to take the next year to live on my own. I’m still wondering if that was the right decision.
Something else that has led to my decline in interest for this season has been the steady falling away from family that has occured over the last several years. My mom’s sister and her family (a large family) live about an hour north of my mom and I. I don’t think they’ve been face to face this year. Sometimes her sister calls, but that’s not the same. I’ve become a little disgust with them as mom’s relationship problems have gotten worse. There have been times that I was the only person around she could talk to. I try to be as helpful as I can, but I’ve never dealt with issues like hers. Your mom isn’t supposed to come to YOU for advice. That’s just not how it works. Still, I think the dissolution of our close nit family (we were at one time, I think) has hurt me more than anything. Family has always been important to me. To have them just remove themselves from your life without a word of warning has been surprising and hard to take.
As if all that wasn’t enough, my 20 year old, heavily indebted sister got pregnant shortly after thanksgiving. Bad news. Bad timing. She just started a new job that is NOT secure by any means and her boyfriend, who was working on starting his own landscaping business, had to go work for his father. I think they will be alright, but not as well off as they could have been. She’s been making really bad decisions lately and its so hard to watch your sister ruin her life by ignoring everything she’s been told, manipulation others, and generally wasting the little help that’s been offered her. The sad part is, she can’t help herself and no one else is in a position to help her. I hope her boyfriend is as good a man as he seems. She’s going to test his patience for sure.
All of these things have combined and served as a dividing force amongst the many facets of my family and their lives. As someone who has held closeness of family as one of the most important factors in his life, this rapid dissolution has been hard to deal with. Though I know it is not the case, I can’t help but feel like I am alone. The holiday has become hollow. I long for the days when we had 30-some family members gathered around the tree and the fire and we ate and drank and talked and traded gifts. I think if I could have one wish it would be to able to have ALL my family and friends come together for a couple days over the holiday and share some time together. I’d give up any hope of being fiscally affluent, or any chance of being a well-known writer, artist or photographer. I’d live my days out alone if I could have this one wish. Nothing seems more important and right now, nothing seems more distant. Every holiday song about family and togetherness reminds me of the way things were and the way things no longer are. I had to be the sad one on such a happy holiday, but these thoughts have possesed me and I am unable to let go of them. I suppose there is time yet to make this work. Indeed, I consistently struggle onward to achieve this end. It is my hope that one day I will be capable of bringing us all together for a few days out of the year.
That being said, I wish to say something that is not a complaint. I want everyone out there that happens to read this to take a moment and, if you do have family and friends close by this season, tell them how much they mean to you. Let them know that their presence is valued. Don’t lose touch. Ignore all the holiday frustrations and take a deep breath. Ease your mind with the thought that for all you have endured there are others around you who are there to carry you when the road is too hard to walk. Not everyone is so fortunate.
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah’s and Happy New Year to everyone.
Everything is Wrong
Through the course of human history there has never been a shortage of bad decisions made by those in power. As communication capabilities increased it increased the frequency and speed with which the general populous hears about this sorts of things. I, for one, would love for communication to take a step or two backwards. It is exceptionally depressing to hear of the flaws of humanity on a daily basis. It serves only to remind us of our inadequacies. There is very little redeeming value in modern media. I usually turn my tv off- but lately I have been watching the news again in order to keep up with some of the disastrous going-ons around our country and worldwide. What I’ve seen has made me wish this whole planet would go careening into the sun.
First: The US financial collapse. I’ve heard all kinds of reasons for this- most of it is just a bunch of political fingerpointing. Here are a few things that I found particularly amusing.
- US Automakers are applying for bailout money- This is particularly amusing because many have suggested that they should all just file Chapter 11 and start over. The automakers’ reply has been that too many jobs are at risk. Funny… were they concerned about the risks of mass job loss before the bailouts started? If so they didn’t show it. They had plenty of opportunities to curb their losses. Hell, why would still make Hummers, Suburbans and Excursions (and other poor mileage vehicles) in the face of a gas crisis where the cost of filling up one of these mammoths is well over $100? I think that the cost of fueling these beasts has partially contributed to this economic decline. I know an excursion owner who was putting $120 in gas in the tank each week. That means less cash to blow at retail centers, etc.
- Corporate Bailouts: people are losing jobs, pensions, etc. That is a fact. These companies that are receiving bailout cash are keeping their CEOs and other top level execs. Does anyone else find that odd? The people responsible for causing the collapse get to keep their jobs? What’s worse, that one CEO position’s salary could cover 15-20 regular salaries from lower in the company. What I want to know is: would it kill these guys to take a real paycut, say from $1mil or 2mil a year to say, $100k -80k a year? It would keep the company afloat and the economy along with it. I think this should be a condition of the bailout packages. If you take the money you have to take a docked salary. This seems more than fair and I don’t really see how it can be argued.
- Thailand: What’s going on in Thailand right now is what ought to be happening in America. I guess most people in Thailand don’t have 500 television channels to keep them sedated like we do. When I first saw this on TV I got chills. I didn’t think I would get to see, in my lifetime, a real democratic revolution. I realize that they were “democratic” before this, but what’s unique here is that the people didn’t like how the government was being run. The government didn’t change accordingly so the people took their government back. As much complaining as there is in America concerning the way the government does things, I often wonder why no one does anything about it.
- The Holiday Season: Tis the season for stampeding crowds and selfishness. Sure, there’s some do gooders out there, but they aren’t committed year round to the cause they support during the holidays. Sad that an employee and not one of these selfish foaming-at-the-mouth consumer zombies had to be the one that fell beneath the stampede this year.
- Junk: Snuggies- The new sucker catcher. If you are too dumb to realize that it is a backward bathrobe, then you should find the nearest body of water and promptly submerge yourself for however long it takes you to either fill up with water or die from CO2 poisoning. Sad thing is someone is making money on this. How about instead of buying this crap we pool the money that would have been spent on this item and use it for something useful… say, infrastructure? Funding new energy source research? Feeding/Housing/Clothing the homeless?
I think that’s enough for now. I’m gonna go wipe the foam from my mouth and get something to eat. All this ranting has made me hungry.
The Melting Dawn
I can’t remember the last time I was awake this early. It is 5am and I’m strapping on a weathered, mud stained pair of leather boots and reaching for my red nylon jacket. Morning in the Kanawha River valley is usually an awesome sight to behold and this morning is no exception. The white porcelain coffee cup in my hand is smoking like a coal furnace in the frigid morning air as I step outside. The frosty air nips at my nose and ears and stings my eyes. Looking up as I exit the old rugged general store that now serves as an apartment, my eyes are met with the blue-violet glow of the morning sky. My eyes follow the glow from its brightest point at the top of the sky all the way down to where the thick river fog hangs over river and tree and field like a thick, white down blanket. Such fog seems to promise warmth, but its promises are empty. Against the white marshmallow cloud of fog the trees in the field and along the riverbank stand stark black and bare, reminding me once more that winter has truly arrived.
The farm is usually quiet on a winter morning, but with the fog a different kind of silence has fallen over the 170 acre riverside farmland. The only creature daring to break the holy morning silence are the crows who, sitting perched on the equally black walnut trees, are calling to each other making sure all are aware of my presence in misty frigid morning. I slowly survey the land as I sip from my still steaming cup of coffee and I am reminded of just how well the smell of cold air and hot coffee go together. Standing in front of this run down little store my attention is immediately drawn to the thick fog still lying in the riverbed and creeping slowly across the barren fields on the other side of an empty two lane highway. The stark black trees are slowly being engulfed in fog as the sun is pushing itself over the tops of the deep blue and violet mountains across the river. I begin to suspect that with the rising of the sun most of the valley will be under the fog. The sudden movement of a pair of crows taking flight from a grove of black walnut trees catches my eye and I follow their movement from one side of the highway to the other as they come to rest on the brown wooden fence that encloses the horse and its feathered companion and personal groomer, the rhea. Despite the ground being covered in frost and the topsoil being quite thoroughly frozen, one of the crows hops down and pecks emphatically into the low cut grass of the horse field. The other seems content to watch and I am content to leave them to their business.
The cold is now beginning to work its way into me. My fingertips are numb and my toes begin to ache. With a sudden reflexive sniffle I realize my nose has begun to run as well. As I set down my still hot cup of coffee I thrust my hands into a pair of grey woolen gloves. I begin to wonder. What was it like when our family first settled this land almost 200 years ago? How often were they greeted by the splendor I am currently immersed in? I try to picture my rag tag band of German relatives, familiar with the cold of the hinterlands but new to the damp penetrating cold of this river valley gearing up for the morning chores in this early winter cold. I begin walking up the gravel road behind the old run down store towards my grandmother’s farmhouse. I don’t see any lights on from where I am standing, but I suspect she is awake and has been for a while now. Farm folks are usually early risers.
The sun has now peeked over the mountains across the river and the first copper beams are glaring in the frost that clings to the old half collapsed barn next to the little brick farmhouse. It looks almost as if it were on fire. The fog has spread out across the fields on the other side of the road now, but hasn’t gotten any thinner. I lumber slowly towards the farmhouse, gravel shifting below my feet and I listen to the crunch crunch crunch as I continue sipping on my coffee. I am lost in the morning and my thoughts are slowly shifting from the frigid morning air and the wisps of fog overtaking the the massive empty fields to visions of warm biscuits, fried eggs and a pan-full of hissing bacon. As I reach the zenith of my breakfast fantasy I take one more moment to stop at the concrete steps of the back porch next to the old oak cellar door and gaze out on the rapidly rising morning. The sun is a bit higher now and the fog has climbed higher into the air. The sun is now bathing everything in a brassy light that is being filtered through the morning fog. The still frosted grass glistens like a wet cymbal under a spotlight. I take one more sip and drag myself slowly to the back door. I can already smell breakfast on the stove and someone is humming a song.
