Out of Time
Lately I’ve been fairly depressed at the seeming lack of time I have for myself. I feel like there is always something that requires my attention; whether it be school, work, or what have you. I feel like I’ve been living on a cycle of those three things since the beginning of the summer and it has gotten really old at this point. I have a lot of great ideas in regards to creative projects and writing ideas but I haven’t the time to flesh them all out. I don’t want to keep putting things off since there’s no way of telling whether or not I’ll ever get to them if I do.
School seems to consume the vast majority of my time and there’s not much I can do about that. I have about a years worth left to complete. It may even take longer now that I am going to be working full time hours.
In addition to these things there is the ongoing stress of trying to find a place to live and a job that will allow me to be independent and pay rent and my bills all at the same time. This one really pisses me off as I have spent a lot of time on it and still come up with little to show for my efforts.
Honestly, I just want to give it all up and do what I want for a while.
Ups, Downs and a Homicidal Rampage
So, I already was not having the greatest of days. I haven’t slept well in about a week. I got a lot of shit going on and a lot of shit NOT going on and the sheer stupidity and frivolity of it all makes me want to vomit nails.
I got to work and started listening to the Henry Rollins “Everything” album. Damn if I don’t feel like putting all of humanity in one spot in the desert and just napalming the shit out everyone. I am now loathing the presence of other human beings and wishing I had some place of my own where I could escape from all of them and just cool down. But of course I don’t and so my hatred and loathing rages unchecked. I’ve had it with my day and will probably leave here early. Maybe I can take the last few dollars in my wallet, buy a couple beers and head down to the river (despite drinking in public parks being illegal- as if I gave a shit).
I am sick of the same shit day in and day out. I’m tired of living in dark places. In cold places. With people. I think more so than at any other point in my life, I want to be alone. I wish someone else could understand it. My dad is getting annoyed, I think, because I don’t call as often as he’d like. I know we’ve spent a lot of years apart and I ought to jump at the chance to spend as much time with him as I can… but I just want to be left alone. By almost everyone. Not all the time, mind you. None of us can live without human contact and that is not at all what I am proposing here. It’s just that when I want to hang out and be with people, then that’s what I wanna do. When I don’t, I don’t and people just don’t get that. They take it personally. I dunno… I’m just wired different. I enjoy solitude and the company of my own thoughts. Conversation with most people almost always degrades into benign recitation of current events or just mindless talking with little or no direction. I find that people, being short of worthy things over which to converse, fall back to either complaining or talking about their wishes and desires. Neither scenario is desirable unless they begin to spout things which they have never mentioned before. We all love to be privy to the workings of another. When I am restless or agitated like this, I am best left alone anyways. Sure, there are times when a hug or a sympathetic word can make things a little better, but a lot of the time I just like being angry or frustrated or whatever. I need time to indulge in activities of my choosing and to do things on my own terms without being weighed down by concern over another’s comfort. We’re all selfish to some degree, if only we could admit it to each other then perhaps we might get along a bit better.
It seems that I never hear from the people I’d like to hear from either. The people who always seem to have some sort of news. The people who lead interesting lives and have stories to tell. They never call. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t either. I don’t.
Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to pack up and sneak out of here. Nothing more to do today anyways except maybe curl up under a rock and just ride this tide of dissatisfaction.
Job Hunting
What a bitch. I am STILL at it. I have been job hunting vigorously and vigilantly since July and I still have not gotten an offer. I have had two close calls, but nothing resembling an offer. Now that it is September the job ads are inundated with temp ads for the holidays. Now I have to sort through those as well. Worst case scenario is I take one of those to get into a place and PRAY that I can get a second part time job after the holidays or that the one I take will keep me.
I need a place to live. Did I mention that? Yeah the countdown to either homelessness or super awkward living arrangement is ON. I have til October. I really can’t express how much I hate this city. I know it plots against me. I have all the skills that most employers seek. I am reliable. I work hard and I am more punctual than most. My resume reflects that. Still, I get no offers. Meanwhile, others that I know to have horribly scarred and spotty work histories are getting hired. They find jobs like they are falling from the sky. Hence I have been somewhat depressed/ pissed off lately and as a result I have alienated more than a few people.
Times like these make me wish I could just walk away from my life and be someone else for a change. Perhaps be that person that has a little more courage than myself. A little less fear of failure. A little less caution. I’ve tried on these traits for myself and found they do not fit me. I have walked too far and too long in my comfort. It is well worn and fits me, well… comfortably. I know that in order for me to change things for myself I am going to have to turn things up a notch. I’m gonna have to work a job I hate, working hours I find insufferable in order to eek out a living and not get tossed under the bus. I’ve been job hunting with that very thought in mind and still nothing. I can’t seem to compete.
I guess I’ll walk out of here and come back tomorrow to the same boring drudge. Honestly, if I could get more hours here I’d be set. That’s really all I need to get by. That and more work. There HAS to be more work around here somewhere. So far I am coming up short there too. Damn my luck blows.
Hurricane Season
September 8, 2008 at 12:11 pm (Rants, Things Worth Discussing, Uncategorized) (accidents, commentary, cruel, disaster, driving, electricity, hurricane, mean, news, outages, rain, Richmond, shopping, signs, store, Storm, traffic, travel, VA, Virginia, weather, weatherman)
So it seems that with this past weekend’s deluge we commence Hurricane Season 2k8. AKA: It rains a lot and assholes who don’t understand the concept of hydroplaning crash their cars and die, all the trees fall over, the power goes out and the lines at the grocery store are super long within 45 minutes of the weatherman’s mention of a storm. I wonder, is it like this in all the other states that don’t feel the full effects of the hurricanes? I mean, hell, by the time anything hits us here in Virginia we no longer are able to call it a hurricane. The newscasters all use the term “remnants of hurricane…blah blah blah” indicating that the storm passing through is no longer a hurricane. I find it infinitely amusing that if you talk to someone about the downed trees in their yard they blame it on the hurricane and not the remnants of. Do they think they actually survived a hurricane or do they just say hurricane to keep it concise? I think as much as people love to talk it has to be the first option.
It is fairly retarded that people can’t use basic common sense to keep from dying in what amounts to a “severe storm”. Think about it, if it is raining hard enough that you have to strain to see then you probably shouldn’t be out driving around if you can help it and you certainly should not be doing 70mph down the interstate and changing lanes like it is sunny and wonderful outside. If you are one of those people, then I will be the one laughing at your folded up heap of scrap metal that will inevitably be tied around some stationary object regardless of whether or not you survived the impact. I think we have done enough to hold evolution of our species back and it seems to me that stupidity is the last great equalizer. With this first storm evolution equalized 6 people in the Richmond area already. I sure hope someone somewhere learned something- though I seriously doubt it.
Moving on, lets examine the logic behind the grocery store raids. Most people who are at the store hours before a storm hits generally watch the news. That is why they are there. They heard about the storm and they want to make sure they have enough beanie weenies and bottled water to last them through the chaos of the storm and the days to follow. Seriously? We have established that you are probably a news-watcher. The weatherman reported this storm 3-5 days before today… WHY DIDN’T YOU GO TO THE STORE THEN??? I think it is because these things only happen once a year and most people in that infinite line at the register just plain love the excitement and drama of the whole situation. They are the people who keep radio and televsion tuned to some sort of report on the weather for fear that the Category 3 that hit Alabama is going to be a Cat. 5 when it hits Virginia. Let’s face it. The longest we’ve been without power in the Richmond area is MAYBE a week. If you can’t live a week without electricity (barring, of course, people in ICUs and the like that need electricity to KEEP THEM ALIVE because NOTHING ELSE WILL) then you probably deserve to die. And no, before you ask, we will not read your stupid memoirs highlighting your final days in the wake of the “terrible storm of ‘08″. In fact, you are lucky to have died naturally. I would otherwise prefer you mauled by panthers and dragged behind a bus.
One final thing that I have noticed is that such storms inhibit people’s ability to read signs. Example:
It is raining hard and you are driving down the highway. A BRIGHT ORANGE SIGN reads: lane ends, merge left. OF course, no one ever merges when they see the sign- regardless of the weather. They wait until they see that last 10 ft. of their lane. My thought is usually, “Hey. The sign says the lane is ending. Guess I should move over before it does just that. Especially since it is raining so hard I CAN BARELY SEE OTHER VEHICLES!”. Apparently this fact eludes most drivers. They want to drive 70mph, slam on their brakes and try to merge into traffic still doing 70mph at a dead crawl. Just once I want to see someone get struck at full speed (only someone who is actually doing these things. I realize that most of us have to react to these assholes and in doing so put ourselves in danger in a similar fashion).
Also, the phrase High Water appears to have a meaning so far beyond the grasp of the average driver that no one ever wastes their time giving it a thought. This is generally evidenced by the guy in the 3/4 ton SUV hitting a 2ft. deep puddle at (again) 70mph, hydroplaning briefly and either rolling his vehicle or coming to an abrupt stop at the hands of a stationary object. Unfortunately all too often the stationary object is another vehicle containing people.
As you see, I am already seething with malice and hatred and am thus prepared to face our next storm season. My insurance is all paid up. I have new tires on the car. I plan on staying OFF major highways hours before any storm passes over. I’m even getting traffic alerts sent directly to my phone so I will know exactly where all the retards are causing havoc.
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