Worst Summer Ever.
Normally summertime is a time to relax, have fun, be outdoors and do the things you want to do. Apparently, the rest of the world didn’t get the memo. This has probably been the worst summer of my life (so far). It seems like there is an incessant stream of inconveniences followed by occassional major set backs with maybe a disaster or two thrown in for good measure.
When your summer starts with your engagement ending I guess that’s a sign that you are pretty much fucked as far as having a fun summer goes. Surprisingly, I managed to cope with that pretty well since she was kind enough to give clear, concise reasons as to why she decided, 6 months prior to the date, to break things off. I accepted her reasons. Hell, she told me she didn’t love me. Not a damn thing you can do about that. Once I got over the initial shock, I worked through it and got my head on straight. I was going to make the best of it. I hadn’t been single in a while, so maybe this was my opportunity to get out there and meet someone new. Which, surprisingly, took all of two weeks.
If you read this blog then you know about the girl from SLC. Well, in the last few weeks we haven’t had much time to talk and there is definitely a growing gap there. I doubt that either of us intended it, but it’s there nonetheless. Hell, both of us have too much shit to attend to at home. It’s hard to date when you live on opposite sides of the continent. We still talk, but only when we both have time. She rarely has time. Hey, it’s hard to talk when your shelter depends on the kindness of friends with unstable emotions and complicated lives. Add to that the fact that she is looking for a job when all she has is a bike to get around on and you can see how this gets complicated.
Also, if you read this blog or know me in real life, then you are aware that my grandfather passed away very recently. That will most certainly put a damper on your summer. I won’t go into the whole thing here because there is an entire post regarding it. Suffice it to say that this still weighs on me.
Now, since the breakup I had been on the prowl for an apartment. I had actually been looking for one with a friend. Enter a series of small disasters. My second PT job took me off the schedule, effectively cutting my income in half. I wasn’t too concerned since I have very marketable skills and reasonable experience. I just figured a job would materialize before the end of august. Hell, I had enough cash to cover the first months rent and part of the second. Well, we found a place. Rather, my roomate found a place. I got to see it the day he was set to move in. I went and saw it and ended up signing a lease more because he had all his possessions on the curb and less because I liked it. When we got hit with a surprise security deposit that was more than I had in all my bank accounts combined, I was out. My friend is still mad at me as far as I can tell. I don’t blame him too much. I am now back to looking for a place to stay. I have til September, then I am fucked. I can’t move into either parent’s place. One is getting divorced and will not have space for me, the other lives too far away for me to keep my current job. Double damnit. To make matters worse, the job market has mysteriously dried up and probably won’t revive until late august/ early september.
Still doesn’t sound that bad? How about adding the fact that this week my ex has decided she wants me back. She can’t stand the idea of me dating someone else. Honestly, I saw this coming. I knew it would happen, but I wasn’t counting on it being so soon. I don’t have the slightest clue as to what to do here. I really do care for her and I could see us having a really happy life together. But I have enjoyed the limited independence I have had for the past 4 or 5 weeks. I’m not sure I am ready to have someone be dependent on me again. I hate the thought of someone else’s mood being dependent on mine to any degree. I don’t want to lose her, but I am not ready to go back to that. Besides, when you tell someone that you don’t love them you can’t expect for them to turn around and come running back when you change your mind. It just doesn’t work that way.
Combine that with the fact that, with the exception of a funeral, I have not left this damned city since Christmas and you have the recipe for one shitty summer. If there is no improvement by the end of August I think I may cut my losses and move to another state. Fuck this noise. I don’t need it anymore. I’m either going to be independent or go down in flames in the attempt.
