Lonesome
There is something about being wide awake on a rainy night and being alone that really makes you feel kind of shitty. I don’t feel I need to explain myself here. Obviously being alone isn’t commonly associated with fun times (despite the fact that we all need alone time at some point or another). I just think that as I sit here and look out the window, watching this cold rain fall and the steam rise from the street and the forrest, that my mood is amplified by my surroundings. It doesn’t help that I am listening to City & Colour (aka Dallas Green).
As I lay here I think about all the other possibilities for my life. Other places I could be- both for better and worse. I could have changed a decision here or there and been in a completely different place both physically and mentally. This is not to say I am dissatisfied with my current state of affairs or state of being; just that I am pondering the alternatives. I wonder how I would fare in a different city, with different friends and away from family. I wonder if I could make it this far on my own. I wonder if there is someone out there willing to love me as much as I am willing to love them. I wonder what would happen if I sold it all and ran myself into the ground pursuing the life or lives I’ve considered living. The artist, the photographer, the poet. The painter, the biker, the farmer. Homeless, loveless, fearless. No, not fearless. I could not be fearless.
The steam still rises. The rain still falls. I am wishing there was an arm around me to reassure me, to comfort me- even though I know it will all be fine. It is always fine. I am fine.
Irrational Fears
Ever have that sinking feeling? Have you had it when you knew damn well there was no good reason for it? I am getting it right now. I shouldn’t have it at all. Everything is pretty swell. Things are better now than they have been for the last few months, but for some strange reason I get this sense that maybe something is going to change soon. It is kind of hard to shake.
Part of me is worried that this person I have been talking to but have yet to meet may just up and lose interest in me. My rational side says that is not too likely, but there is always that concern in the back of my mind. Another part is worried about my apartment search, of which I have already sufficiently complained today. This one I know is irrational because just this afternoon I have found some very promising new prospects. Still, the list goes on. I am a firm believer that everything rights itself over time and the world maintains an overall balance. I wouldn’t call it karma or anything… but exactly at what point do you acknowledge these concerns and stop telling yourself they are unfounded and rediculous? For me it is usually after they materalize and something falls apart or goes wrong.
Man, that comes off as sort of downer- but its true and I guess it is meant to be more of a positive statement. That is, saying that I don’t give in to these irrational concerns unless they manifest themselves. After all, it’s way more fun to look at the world through rose colored glasses.
Apartments: The Ever Elusive Prey
Ever get the feeling that something you sought eluded you for the mere sake of eluding you? Or perhaps for the sake of stirring your frustrations into a tempestuous rage? That is where I am right now with this apartment search. For a city this large, I should not have any issue finding a decent place to live. My list of qualifying factors is relatively short and reasonable. I want a two bedroom apartment with a washer and dryer in the unit. I want to live downtown or in the Fan. I don’t want to live in a part of town where I will have to witness drug deals on even a semi-regular basis. I want a porch. That is all. Nothing more. I can make the rest work for me.
So this, being our third or fourth week of searching (by “our” I mean I and my friend Jimmy) we should certainly have at least found one that we liked. Such is not the case. Rent is sort of an issue and what looks good on the Internet is not always as nice in person. This evening we are going on an open house marathon in the hopes of finding at least one place in which we can live and move in fairly soon. Some of these are remarkably beautiful homes and apartments. However, I am not holding my breath on this. I guess I’ll do some paperwork until it’s time to go lurking about town.
